Ever get the feeling that nobody really knows the real you?

The true purpose of my writing tonight is an unsettled feeling in my gut. The little fire that has always guided me to be different, to step outside of the box and to chase my dreams is burning. I’ve never been ‘normal’, but I feel like life sometimes makes you find your way into that box that everyone expects of you. I feel conflicted and there appears to be a pattern of traits that coincide with my conflicted identity which can sometimes be difficult to come up against.

My 8 traits of Identity Crisis explain my battle between being a Free Spirit and being a Home Bird.

I’ve lost my way that many times I’m not sure I even know my destination.

BEING LABELLED IS NOT WELCOMED

9 Months ago I became a Mum for the first time. It’s been exhausting, emotional, lovely and life changing. But the thing that people perhaps don’t recognise is how you lose your sense of self, your personality and your ambition, at least for a while. You’re too busy attending to this new life that you forget your own and who you were before other people labelled you. I am a Daughter, a Girlfriend, a Sister and a Friend and all of these labels require me to be committed, sensible, grounded, understanding and reliable. And of course, I can be all of those things, however, none of them are the person that I am tonight – The dreamer, the writer, the adventurer.

INSPIRATION IS HIT & MISS

Why is it that inspiration strikes when you’re half alive and desperate to sleep? Those thoughts that you can’t put off until the morning because you think they will make for good reading. I find writing to be somewhat magical when the rest of the world is sleeping. I don’t know why, I guess I like the idea that nobody can influence me in any way, it also coincides with the time in which the adventurer inside me comes out. But this urge to put all my deepest, darkest thoughts onto paper happens so suddenly, if I blink I’d miss it. It can get rather annoying to say the least, especially when you have a full day to tap away and write until your heart is content and you are hit with writer’s block, every bloggers’ nightmare.

A REAL LACK OF CONTENTMENT WITH LIFE

I’m not one for settling, repetition or steadiness. I like to throw myself into the deep end and into the unknown. I’ve calculated that on average I get bored with something at about 3 months. I lay here thinking about how many times I’ve tried to recreate myself; How many times my boredom has provoked me to do something outlandish; How many times I’ve told myself “maybe I just need to do what everyone else does in order to be happy” and how many times I’ve asked myself, if I’ll ever be happy. I thought about the girl who went to the other side of the world to find herself, only to come back and eventually still feel unsure about who she is. I’ve lost my way that many times I’m not sure I even know my destination.

maybe I just need to do what everyone else does in order to be happy.

LIVING FOR THE MOMENT COMES AT A COST

I find it hard to just live for the moment because honestly, it scares me. To accept that these moments are my life happening, passing me by and which is a time that I will never get back. I wonder “what if what I did in that moment wasn’t enough to justify the time I was given to enjoy something?” This is deep, I know! But I am deep.
I think I’m frustrated, with my life. I think I always have been. I think I always will be. Because of exactly that… I THINK too much. The truth is, I’m simply not content with the ordinary, but I can’t possibly live an extraordinary life every single day, can I? Because it is the ordinary that makes the extraordinary…extra.

DISAPPOINTMENT IS EVERYWHERE

This flame of mine, 99% of the time, is lessened by everyday living and tasks that dampen its ignite. When I go out into the world with this burning passion to achieving something, I’m met with the tragic reality that nobody neither cares nor shares my mind. I suppose I can’t blame them, it’s a crazy place.
This girl who is deep within me, dying to get out, nobody knows her, not really. It’s a girl who has this need to escape, but she’s not sure what she’s escaping from. Maybe it’s herself. I think, honestly, the way I picture things in my mind and portray them on to paper (or screen), are more magical than they ever would be in real life, and there’s a great sadness that comes with that.

UNPREDICTABILITY IS IN THE BONES

Those around me don’t know where I am coming from next. This can be a good or bad thing, but it usually requires turning people’s lives upside down. I can love where I am one minute, and the next I’m a tap on the keyboard away from wanting to book the next flight out of here. Most people don’t get it, but those that do, understand that it is part of who I am, and who I will always be. None the less, this unpredictability is not even something I can predict.

A WALKING CONTRADICTION

I discussed these very thoughts with my partner after dinner of not wanting to commit to an ordinary life or really commit to anything for that matter. He asked me one question – “How come you can commit in a relationship?”. The question stopped me in my tracks and made me ask myself the question once more. Then it dawned on me that perhaps deep inside, security and an ordinary life is in fact what keeps me afloat. (Mind=blown).

Who are you when you aren’t what other people expect you to be?

 

If you liked this post take a look at my post on Travelling Solo – The 20 things I discovered on the other side of the world.

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